How often do we hear " Yikes, I've become my mother!".? Meeting with close friends over tea yesterday, the conversation explored our relationships with our mothers and how they still color our world as grown women. Three of us are fortunate enough to still have our mothers in our lives. A common thread is woven when we talk about their independence and the frustration and fear of losing it, beginning with the threat of not being able to drive. Knowing your grown children are willing chauffeurs is no consolation. Anxiety, anger, depression travel hand in hand with failing health and increasing frailty. Accepting limitation both physical and often financial as costs continue to skyrocket is a challenge. Trying to be supportive, we often say the wrong thing.
Not wanting to violate her privacy or HIPPA laws here, I can share that my mother has had a tough year medically. Two surgeries and a complicated eye problem that could have cost her eyesight caused a great deal of suffering. The medication schedule alone would have daunted the most competent person. With a numb hand and nearly blind, Mom remained independent at home. Yes, it slowed her down but she refused to let it stop her. We were grateful that she accepted help from us, her three daughters. Meanwhile, Mom is still giving assistance to another woman older than herself.
I have just returned from a five day visit. It was wonderful to see her doing so well. Her drivers license was renewed when she passed the vision test so we had something to celebrate. Her brother was also coming to visit while I was there, so it was the double the pleasure.
My mother is a fantastic seamstress and talented designer. Given the opportunity, she would have rivaled Diane Von Furstenburg. She custom made most of my wardrobe while growing up and loved fashion forward design. She would craft beautiful evening gowns for other women who had figure challenges and her talent became a career when she became a single mother with three girls to raise. Mom insisted that I learn to sew, for which I am grateful. I don't enjoy it the way she does, but I have put the skill to good use through the years, especially in my interior design career. Mom had made all new outdoor chair cushions with coordinating prints and patterns for table linens. Yes, we use fabric napkins even outdoors for barbecues. Not out of pretension, but because they are pretty! She waited for me to arrive so we could decorate the patio with all of her handiwork. How well I understood her delight at the result. I feel the same way when creating a beautiful setting. Mom always taught us that there is an attractive way to live even on a budget.
My uncle and I tackled a project that required a trip to Home Depot. I love that place and I love hardware stores. Growing up in a home with no man around around, we girls learned to be do it yourselfers par excellence. Mom and I would tackle just about anything except electricity. That puts the fear of God in us, justifiably. No one dies from a can of paint, 110 volts is quite another thing. So, while on this visit we added to and re-leveled her side walkway of concrete pavers and brick. Frank did the heavy lifting, I did the leveling and Mom swept the sand to fill and finish. We all felt a great sense of accomplishment. Now the yard is in great shape for another season of entertaining.
Entertaining she does! Pool parties, barbecues, impromptu dinners al fresco for family and friends, mom dazzles and delights with her seemingly effortless hospitality. We had fun cooking together again as usual and the family enjoyed the results, my uncle especially. I have never seen someone eat as much lasagna in one sitting. Growing up I learned that preparing food is a way of showing love. Eating with gusto is a way of saying "I love you too". Setting a beautiful table, casual every day or formal, was routine in our home and I enjoy carrying on the tradition in mine.
So many gifts and lessons came from my mother. She read to me every day as a tot and fostered a love for literature and art to this day. Mom made us responsible and taught us the right way to care for a home, do laundry and whip, not mash potatoes. By age nine I knew how to use all of the appliances, iron properly and use a sewing machine. She encouraged my love of music and endured listening to me play On Top of Old Smokey a thousand times on the chord organ. Supporting all of my school activities, extracurricular theater productions ( often helping with costumes) making sure we balanced indoor and outdoor activities, she was a full time mom as her first priority. She taught me to think critically, and reason with others in an articulate way to get my point across. She insisted that I take business classes as well as academic to prepare me in a practical sense for whatever career I chose. She challenged me to try harder when I wanted to quit and would often repeat "if you say you can't, you never will".
My mother taught me the value of faith and spiritual connection. I learned not only an accountability to a Greater Presence, but to take comfort in it. It is still a driving force in my life as I strive to reflect that wisdom and grace with gratitude and reverence.
From her I have learned to rise to any occasion or challenge that life brings my way, that mistakes are inevitable and forgiven. I've learned resilience and responsibility. Most of all, I have learned that motherhood is a lifelong relationship and to cherish it with her and with my daughters in turn. I understand so much more as my own children have grown, seeing my mother and myself in their eyes.
This portrait is of five generations of innovative, resilient and powerful women with me as the youngest. What a blessing to have grown under their influence!
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