I am not food obsessed, truly. I don't snack between meals and I fast forward through the fast food commercials on my favorite recorded tv shows. Reality hit squarely in the eye when I tried on a pair of white shorts that fit just fine last summer. Oh, they zipped up, but this year they looked like a horizontal seersucker with puckers everywhere. It seems like I have been on the Murphy's Law diet for awhile now. I've been wanting to shed a few pounds for a year. They wouldn't budge. Then the doctor prescribed a new and necessary medication and I gained ten pounds instead. That has pushed me up a pants size. I REFUSE to buy bigger clothes. Lately, I've been homesick for New Jersey. I haven't been back for a visit in too many years. Seeing old classmates and friends on Facebook has made me nostalgic. Then I caught a glimpse of my behind in the mirror and noticed that my rear looks the size of my home state. Thank God I'm not from Texas!
My mother has lost fifteen pounds recently drinking an herbal tea. Claiming not to have changed what she is eating, she just drinks two quarts of this tea a day. Sounds good. I love tea. So while visiting her for almost a week, I drank this tea that I cannot pronounce every day. An herbal blend from Mexico, it is quite tasty even unsweetened. Did I lose a single pound? Nada. Mom claims a man she knows lost forty pounds just drinking this tea. My theory is that he began substituting it for beer and the pounds just fell off.
So, I virtuously started my day with a protein smoothie. Half cup of water, half cup of plain nonfat kefir ( probiotics are good for me, right?) a scoop of vanilla whey protein, half cup of fresh berries. Push start on the handy bullet blender and a 200 calories meal whirls into creamy perfection. Yum. Off to run errands, finishing up about noon. Exiting the hardware store, I avoid the hot dog truck wafting mouthwatering fragrance and making my stomach growl. First temptation conquered successfully. I feel like doing the happy dance in the end zone. I head for home to enjoy another protein shake, this time with pineapple and fresh orange. Variety is the spice of life and I don't want to get bored by the second meal on the very first day. I visualize the Texas cheerleaders bouncing to " portion control, portion control, yay team".
Then the saboteur shows up. Roger says, " let's go check out our favorite Andy's new store on Fifth." He never ever suggests a trip just out of curiosity. Being so out of his ordinary routine, I don't want to squelch the spontaneity. I also suspect the end of the world may be coming and I don't want to die alone. Off we go to traipse up an down aisles of chips, crackers, chilled wine, specialty beer and gourmet pizzas loaded. We decide that we prefer our local Andy's market which has a great deli, fresh seafood and a much larger produce selection.
Only thirty minutes after drinking my liquid lunch and I am ravenous. Seeing all of that food, my hunger must be mind over matter. Right? If I don't mind, it doesn't matter. Wrong! So, I've only had maybe four hundred calories and dinner is five hours off. A little tuna salad on a teensy bit of crisp French bread may tide me over with a big glass of herbal tea. I manage to survive the next three hours with intensive housework as a distraction.
Happy hour arrives and Roger makes an ice cold martini, two giant olives. That I can resist. But out comes the piece of imported provolone.....okay.....just two small bites. I make his dinner including red potato oven fries with garlic and Parmesan which I almost resist, but not quite. After all, I have to taste for crispness. I skip dinner, planning to meet a friend for a salad after we set up her bridal registry at Crate and Barrel. Off I trot to the mall to browse Barnes and Noble before I meet her. I find a parking space right out side of See's Chocolates where they are passing out free samples of caramels covered in, oh yes, irresistible chocolate. Just one to tide me over until the salad. Into the bookstore where I check out the best sellers, then the bargain books. Do I really need the complete illustrated guide to the human body for twenty dollars? Maybe for Liam. Maybe not, since he is only four months old. Then I end up in the cookbooks. Feeling like I am furtively reading porn, I flip through the biggest, glossiest ones vicariously looking at the photos. Ask anyone who has tried it, photographing food is an art form.
I glance at my watch and it is time to rendezvous at Crate and Barrel. Finally meeting the love of her life over age forty, we are enjoying all of the traditions of the bride to be. We arrive at the store just two doors down to discover that they close early on Saturdays at 7 pm. Who knew? I was planning to burn some serious calories going up and down every aisle. Curses, foiled again! With the San Francisco fog cascading over the hill in gale force gusts and a twenty degree drop in temperature, salad no longer seems so appealing. We head into La Maison instead for steaming bowls of Vietnamese Pho. I cave to a sizzling platter of chicken curry over crispy noodles.
Who starts a diet on Saturday anyway? My navy shorts still fit. Monday is definitely a better day to make a fresh start.
No comments:
Post a Comment