"Rather than squeeze everybody into preordained roles, my goal has always been to foster an environment where the players can grow as individuals and express themselves creatively." — Phil Jackson
What a powerful concept! Squeezing everybody into preordained roles? A nice squeeze can be comforting, but usually a tight squeeze is uncomfortable at the least and painful at the worst. My very first thought when reading this quote was how much disappointment would be spared if people didn't squeeze others into preordained roles. We set up expectations based upon story books and television shows. Going back a few years here to FATHER KNOWS BEST, or my favorite THE DONNA REED SHOW. The ideal nuclear family, dependable, polite, organized, tidy, and well cared for, loving almost antiseptic. How many hours have been spent in therapist offices lamenting childhood wounds of not being understood, loved adequately or approved of. We do have preconceived ideas and expectations of others that consistently lead to disappointment and sometimes misery. We also keenly feel the the pressure of conformity to the expectations set for us as the oldest child, or good Catholic girl for instance. To really get down to it, I felt bad for a school mate who was left handed. At that time, it was considered a difficulty and was something to be diligently corrected in order to have perfect penmanship. Fortunately, that concept has been recognized as archaic.
Today is my youngest daughter's birthday. Erica turns 35. A real coming coming of age. Raising my daughters was my greatest joy, most terrifying challenge, most fulfilling career for twenty years. As a working mother by necessity, my primary focus was creating a safe, loving, learning environment for them. Margaux and Erica, born twenty four months apart were as different as two humans can be personality wise. I was in awe of that individuality, the mystery of two little girls with the same genes, both blonde and blue eyed yet unique. While teaching them to conform to certain necessary norms in this world, the methods, reasoning and even discipline had to be different, tailored to their own understanding and response. It didn't always seem fair, but it was right for them. At times they felt squeezed into the preordained roles that Phil Jackson mentioned above. Yes, they had to attend school and be good students. Yes, we took them regularly to church amid boredom and at times rebellion to create a spiritual connection and foundation for making conscientious choices with the law of loving Spirit written on their soul and the assurance that the unseen world exists powerfully.
This month I celebrate MY coming of age in remembrance of the August births of these two amazing women that I have the privilege of calling daughter. My heart broke wide open to the most expansive love a human can experience. Margaux and Erica have flourished and exceeded any preconceived notion that I could have had. They have handled challenge, disappointment, crisis, and opportunity with resilience, dignity, love and strength. They both open their hearts to others in compassionate care and self sacrifice. I know at times that I have disappointed or frustrated them. After all, they had preconceived notions of what a mother should be! In the end, we each have grown, flourished and are free to express ourselves creatively in the world and with each other. Now I see it all come full circle as my grandson, Liam teaches his mother and aunt all about joy, pride, worry and laughter as only a child can.
